I am sitting at Jonah's Grave.
It is Memorial Day and it isn't 8 am yet- so there are not crowds of people here. There are a few of us though.
The cemetery is at it's most beautiful on Memorial Day.
I am surrounded by spinning pin wheels and flowers; flags speckle the green lawn and are fluttering gently in the breeze.
I am sad- but I am feeling strange and reflective.
I have always felt like I am doing the best that I can as a mother- but also that I am so lacking at it too. I have always felt selfish and failing on many levels concerning my talent at it- but I love my children dearly.
Yesterday, I came home from a jog and began knocking "shave and a haircut" on the door (even though I knew it was unlocked.)
I was relentless until the door opened and Ashton, Jayce, and Tate were there laughing and we all four hugged.
I miss Jonah. I feel great pain at times over losing him- but had he not passed away I fear that I would have been a much more selfish and unloving mother.
I think Jon and I would have had more material things and better outward appearing lifestyle- not having the experience of a tragedy blowing us away- but honestly- I think Jon and I still would have parted ways eventually.
I know I am doing good things with my life right now- I know that because of my loss of Jonah I am more outward focused and compassionate than I would have been. I know that I am assisting many to heal and balance and walk through their own losses because I have journeyed the path.
It's interesting to me as well that I know there are so many who have experienced so many painful things that would make my experience seem trivial... but that is comparison, and comparison is a cruel beating we do to ourselves.
My experience is what it is.
Before Jonah passed- Memorial day was just a 3 day weekend where I went with Grandma Jean to put flowers on graves of Grandpas I never knew.
It's different now- but as I sit here and see all the people beginning to arrive and the old ladies struggling to secure the flower bundles from tipping over in the breeze and the uniformed men setting up chairs for the soon-to-be held Veteran's service- I am sad but resigned to the knowing that all is as it was meant to be.
That Jonah's life was an agreement and gift to me; that the experience has propelled me towards my true life work of assisting people to heal their hearts and embrace love.