Monday, June 9, 2014

The LIST

This is personal for me.

But important to share.

I hear a lot about women being pushed down in society... for generations and hundreds of years really...

Here's my bottom line- In America, at this time in history; if you are feeling PUSHED DOWN... it's a lie.
Women aren't.
It's really more about the REFUSAL to STAND UP.

A spiritual guide once said to me "If you don't own your power, someone else will."
Elena Radford

For a long time in my marriage relationship, there were things that weren't working... and like EVERY single one of us who have faced the degeneration of a relationship... there's A LONG backstory. (that's not what this post is about)

One day, after years of "TRYING" to change HIM, to change ME, to be perfect, to be different, to DENY the facts, to avoid... I sat down and in a moment of DIVINE CLARITY... made a LIST.

THE LIST.



I had a profound breakthrough in my wisdom which was this:

I have and had NO RIGHT to expect ANYTHING of another person. Not their financial support, their emotional support, their loyalty, or LOVE.... NO ONE, including my husband, OWED me anything.

He was FREE to be and DO whatever he chose. I have NO authority over ANOTHER person.

Yes, there were some things... even major things that weren't healthy or working between us, but HE could do whatever he wanted. I was not IN CHARGE of how HE showed up... I'm in charge of how I DID and DO show up for ME.

I began writing my list.

The LIST.

The list wasn't about HIM... It was about ME.

The list was what I DESERVED in a relationship- NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT what HE had to do or should do.

IT was a DECLARATION about WHAT I DESERVED in this WORLD and in a PARTNERSHIP. 

I wrote things like:
Integrity, industry, compassion, empowerment, nurturing, honoring, passion, LOVE, etc....

What's the catch?
I didn't allow myself to write anything I wasn't WILLING to GIVE/BE.

THE LIST was a monumental shift in my perception. It shifted from what he was doing, or what I was getting-to acknowledging my worth.

I remember hanging the list on the back of my bedroom door and he looked at it and said "So, you're expecting me to be these?!"
I answered "No, but I'm saying I know what I deserve. You can do whatever you want."

I look back now and know that that was a shift in our relationship in a major way.
I also get to say that although he and I chose to shift our relationship from the "marriage" box to a "friendship" box now; he is a wonderful man and dad. He and I have a better relationship now than we did for years... and a LARGE part of it is because each of us relies upon ourselves for ourselves- financially and emotionally.

The LIST changed my life. I learned that I get to GIVE what I DESIRE. I learned that I am solid in my heart and self and because of that any person in relationship with me has the FREEDOM to be whoever they are. I learned that I LOVE myself enough and am POWERFUL enough to walk away from a relationship that doesn't honor myself.

I come from a culture that routinely asks us women to get clear about what we want in a man, or love partner what to look for.... I am calling to light that it's time we start getting CLEAR about what type of LOVE partner we are willing to BE.
To stop looking outside ourselves for gratification and to build our foundation within.
~ktjo






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