I get busy.
My life gets jumbled and un-jumbled all at the same time.
I know this may sound strange... but there is a plight of beautiful girls.
First, let me start off by acknowledging I have been called a beautiful girl before.
Second, let me explain that for over a decade I thought I was so ugly, unappealing an hideous that I would avoid walking past large windows that reflected me or mirrors.
People would tell me I was beautiful and it was as if they were speaking a different language to me... I could logically understand the words coming out of their mouths but they made no connection or comprehension to me.
What I knew and experienced was that male friends would often engage with me as wolves in sheep's clothing... under the guise of friendship- they would make their way close to me and after I opened slightly to their camaraderie... they would "go in for the kill" plan... the "SOMEDAY" plan. The " I am her friend because I'm sure someday we will be in bed together" plan.
Naturally, eventually they believed me that I saw them only as friends- and typically, they became angry, rejected, withdrawn and often cruel.
You see, they felt as though I had done them a severe injustice... not because I wasn't clear from the beginning --- but because of their own "Someday" plan.
So.... friends.... were never "just friends" and as an Empath, I can usually feel their hidden thoughts... even before they do.
As a teen I began to think my only value to a man was physical. After all.... even their "friendships" were only as lasting as the illusion of their possibility of physicality was still hovering in the air.
I began to withdraw myself.
image credit; keithham.hubpages.com
I learned not to reach out and hold a hand, or hug, or stare directly into the eyes of a "male friend" not to laugh or sing or dance or casually talk lightly. I learned not to reach over and pat the knee of a good friend while we drove or told jokes... nothing to encourage them.
I also learned how lonely it was to feel as though I was devoid of physical touch. That no touch was okay. Any attempt at mine to extend a hand or hug in "love" could be misconstrued and eventually have a dear one turn on me.
I walled up.
As a girl that others identified as "beautiful"... being severely shy wasn't interpreted that way... but because of others perceptions of what I thought of myself... others didn't get I was shy... but snobby and stuck up. My silence was read as condescension... instead of insecurity.
As a girl others identified as "beautiful": my girl friend relationships lasted as long as they were single or un-threatened. If their boyfriend and I had a conversation or if I laughed at their jokes... obviously- I was trying to steal him away. Many many times... my teen girl "friends" would make a pre-emptive strike and cut their friendships with me or try to humiliate me in some way... especially if their boyfriend said anything along the lines of "Katie's cool."
With boyfriends, they were possessive, insecure of themselves and their ability to keep me interested or away from other "predator" men... so they would control or punish me - for talking to another male. Naturally... if I was "beautiful" I had no sense of limits and could easily be seduced by another male.....
image credit: designyoutrust.com
If any of you have met me in person, you probably recognize my dominant energy is feminine and sensual. I wear lace and love to talk and interact and connect emotionally. My energy is and has always been sensual. That doesn't mean I have no boundaries or limits. If I am present- the energy is present. When I touch someones shoulder innocently- my energy is there, but it is not an advance.
To be honest... in many ways I prefer interactions with men who are openly upfront about wanting me to be sexual with them. It's refreshing- not because I jump into bed, but because there's no turmoil I pick up in their emotions, no hidden agenda-( known or unknown) we handle the issue up front by acknowledging it and move forward. IN FACT, these have been some of my favorite and most lasting friendships.
I still have self confidence issues. I still encounter women who openly despise me, but I am aware that the way I see myself isn't always the way that others see me.
I have grown and learned to accept myself tremendously over the last few years, due to intensive soul searching and divine friendships of women and men who are secure enough in themselves and their foundation that there is no competition or hidden intentions.
I am writing this because so many times we see women (and men) who are physically beautiful and think they have it all... that they know it; that they are "SO LUCKY."
I'm writing because for many of those "BEAUTIFUL" people are dramatically lonely and boxed in and continuously on guard against the "Takers" and to be fair... most of the time- the "Takers" aren't aware of what they are doing.
Just some thoughts and insights. Consider this the next time you want to pull down, criticize, or feel suspicious of someone you deem "beautiful"---- if you get to know them, you may realize that MOST OF THE TIME... they don't feel that way about themselves at all.