Saturday, April 25, 2015

The WHIRRING Heart

I lived with my Grandma in a rural community for a year. I was bused 7 miles to high school in the "big city" ---population 1001.



During class, there are inevitable moments when the room is silent. Perhaps it was time to study, read, or calculate math....

But in the silence of our sophomore class.... there was a WHIRRING.

Shwoosh Shwoosh Shwoosh over and over. The mechanical sound of an artificial heart.


I can picture her clearly. Her hair was dusty blond and fell down to her belt line, but she kept her bangs trimmed around her face. Average height, average build. Her name escapes me--- but in my minds eye I can see her now.

I was "new" I hadn't been raised in the community... I was a "TEMP" in small populations like these ALL the kids in my class had known each other since tricycle street racing years. Their whole elementary years they became accustomed to the WHIR... but once in a while I found myself looking over my shoulder at her in the "silence" observing what wasn't "normal" to me... but was NORMAL to her.

Her story was simple. Fake heart (or some type of mechanism that kept her physically inadequate heart pumping and regulated) SOoooooo, in the silent moments WHIRR SHWOOSH WHIRR SHWOOSH.



As I ponder it now... I see the metaphor of the heart. The moving of the mechanism that kept her alive. It sounded different than my own. BUT it was the moving of the HEART... that kept her breath coming, her mind searching, her emotions flowing. 

Is my heart so different? THE BEAT of my own that is the RHYTHM of my Message. MY CRY OUT TO UNIVERSE saying I AM HERE.

The DRUM. THE MUSIC that fuels the dance of my life.

Keep beating your music. DECLARE IT. It is the MOVING of the HEART that GIVES us LIFE. 
CLAIM IT. 
Do things that "MOVE" your heart.

photo by Danny Goldfield







Saturday, April 11, 2015

The Beauty Of Me

I Am Beautiful.

I was challenged by a spiritual leader I'm training under currently to say that. She has "gifts" that allow her to see into peoples hearts.

She was right on the mark when she told me that she can see that I have accepted I Am beautiful inside but that the idea I Am beautiful on the outside creates conflict in my energy field.



Yes.

I'll tell you why....

What does being Beautiful EVEN mean?????


Recently, I had a friend- a man who I've known as an acquaintance for years... spend two hours repeatedly complimenting me on my Lips. Telling me they are "luscious" commenting how "yummy" they looked... how he was so intrigued to taste them.
In those 2 hours... he never inquired about my voice, my heart, my life message. 
He kept reaching out and touching me. My arm, my shoulder... he touched my chin. Casual, light, momentary touches. 
If he KNEW me... or even attempted to know me, he would know that a man projecting into my physical "bubble" without invitation is a hairline TRIGGER for me.

(I know,,, for many women this is flirtatious, and flattering. I'm NOT saying it's NOT alright... just that it's not for me.)

I rarely share a little about my background, but it's important- especially when I speak at different public events or work with teens and women's groups, so I won't go into it here much either but....

By the time I was teen; there were some "absolute truths" I knew. 

1st: I was abhorrently, despicably UGLY.
2nd: No One, absolutely No One wanted me.
3rd: Every person I loved... I hurt or was a burden to and any physical punishment and pain I received... I deserved because of it.

Fast Forward to today.



I see others- men and women approach me and tell me I'm "beautiful."

I recognize that people often pay attention to my appearance.

But, honestly, contemplating my appearance is something I tend to avoid.

YES; I, like most people want to be attractive, want to be desired... I LOVE when a romantic partner loves the way I look- the way I move, loves my body.
(yum)

But because of the trauma I've overcome, passed through and traveled concerning my physical body and the appearance of it.... I am weary of people who enter into my physical space solely because of the way I look.

I Am a woman. I Am emotional, volatile, passionate, changing, a tigress, a lamb, fury and compassion all in one. My body is the vehicle I express who I Am. 
I AM Beautiful. I AM beautiful in ALL of my seasons and facets. I LOVE expressing the PASSION and LOVE that I AM with my body. I Am every cell, every whisper, every nuance. I AM Woman. 

Love me for ALL of it. Not just a part of it.

Original Painting "Graceful Elegance" by Henry Asencio 


Trust me.... Men... I LOVE you for ALL of you. I love your bodies, I love your power, I love your vulnerability, I love your logical, I love your passionate, I love your drive, I love your nerdiness... I love the red blood cells and way you move, think and act differently than woman.

I'm asking for the same.

There was a time when I was so self-hating and lost that I accepted ANY form of desire or attention... I'm different now.
I LOVE me. ALL of me.

YOU don't have to love all of me... but I'll ONLY share the PART of me known as "body" with those who do.